The News Release: Improving the Lead
As a former crime reporter, I learned to write short, punchy leads. Anyone can. Despite having written more than 5,000 news stories and nearly as many press releases as a public relations (PR) professional, I still miss the mark on occasion. Through intensive rewriting — and often good editing by my business partner — we usually arrive at the near perfect release. Well, if not perfect, acceptable; maybe good.
I read an interesting statistic once that when a lead exceed’s 30 words, you lose 80% of your college-level readers. Ernest Hemingway’s books are filled with 10-12 word sentences, if you need proof that good writing needn’t be filled with tortured syntax and 80 word sentences. Short really is better.
Here is a sample of good and not-so-good leads. Both are actual leads, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, so to speak.
The wordy, not-so-good lead:
Anywhere Community Hospital has added “healing environments” to three upgraded and remodeled surgical and medical procedure suites. It’s all part of a national trend to combine new technology and improved function with design and comfort, according to Jim Smith, Anywhere’s senior vice president of operations. By adding new lighting, flooring and painting, Anywhere has transformed its two operating rooms and the endoscopy suite into environments that are more soothing and comforting for patients.
Better:
Anywhere Community Hospital has tapped into a national healthcare improvement trend by transforming patient treatment areas into healing environments with special lighting, flooring and paint. “We’ve added soft lighting, carpet and warm colors to two operating rooms and an endoscopy suite to make them more soothing and comforting,” explained …. “Studies show such environments promote healing.”
Better because it’s most specific and gets to the point quicker. Even this could be improved. Before you write, you will want to ask your client what should be emphasized. Is it healing environments or national trend?
Perhaps even better:
Newly upgraded surgical and endoscopy suites at Anywhere Community Hospital will help you recover faster because of a healing environments created with new lights, flooring and paint, according to hospital CEO Joe Dokes. “We’ve tapped into a national trend showing soothing and comforting environments promote faster healing,” Dokes said.
Another alternative:
Anywhere Community Hospital surgery and endoscopy patients are recovering faster because of healing environments created with special flooring, paint and lighting, says CEO Joe Dokes.
Or:
Can paint, flooring and lights really help patients recover faster from surgery? Anywhere Community Hospital CEO Joe yes, after recently transforming two surgical suites and an endoscopy treatment room into healing environments with sound absorbing carpet, soft lighting and pastel walls.
I’ve cranked out good news releases in 15 minutes and have labored over a lead for an hour or more. The key to great leads: don’t be afraid to rewrite.